Welfare for Grad Students?

Here's my basic question - Under what conditions would you (as a grad student) consider applying for welfare programs like low income housing or foodstamps?

Here's my situation. One of the main reasons that I decided to switch programs and go to Crunchy U. is that they offer the option to buy health insurance for your spouse and dependents. Ever since last summer when we were living in an attic filled with black mold Beorn has been developing unexplained health problems. He is always exhausted and his blood test show that he is anemic. He also has constant joint pain and a high "rheumatoid factor." We are having more tests done. Needless to say, having continuing health coverage for him is essential.

He feels fairly bad on a day to day basis and so may have trouble working full time unless we figure out what is wrong. In the mean-time, we are living on my stipend and student loans. Last night we discussed applying for disability for him and investigating the possibility of food stamps. I'm having some difficulty with this because if I dropped out of school with my master's degree I would likely be able to find a job that pays more than my TA stipend, so it seems somehow wrong to apply for assistance. On the other hand, I have no way of knowing what kind of work I might find or whether my new job would offer health insurance for Beorn. Most likely it would be difficult for me to support us on one salary and pay off my monumental student loans.

If I stay in school I know I have a job for the next three years at least and health insurance. Given the unstable state of the economy at the moment taking risks doesn't seem wise. Mainly, I want to stay in academia. I love my new department and love the privilege of teaching and researching topics that interest me. If I was to quit school I know I wouldn't find a job I love that would pay me what I need to be paid, at least not right away.

I know many people would never consider applying for welfare while in school, but apparently there is a long tradition of graduate students on welfare, judging by this thread on College Confidential. But here are a couple of vignettes from my week to fuel your thinking about why someone might consider it.

While riding the bus home this week I overheard a conversation between a couple of undergrads. They were discussing the stock market crash. One young guy was telling the other how bad it had gotten for his family. His dad had told him that he might have to get a part time job because his stocks had been so devalued. I sat there shocked that his dad wouldn't require him to a least work a few hours a week for spending money.

Later in the week I ran into one another woman in my cohort - a woman of "non-traditional student" age who had returned to school to earn a masters degree. She told me a little about her background -- how she started living on her own a week after her highschool graduation. She had dropped out of school because her parents hadn't been willing or able to help her pay for college. This attitude is common in working class families and yet there is no way for students under the age of 25 to prove that they aren't getting help from their families. So she dropped out of college and went to beauty school. She joked that she should have just got married or "knocked-up" because then at least she wouldn't be counted as her parents' dependent. After a number of years supporting herself doing manicure and pedicures she decided that she was really tired of massaging strangers' feet. Since she was now 26 she could qualify for financial aid as an independent. She went back to school, got her B.A. and a job she really enjoyed. Now she's supporting herself working as a research assistant in a lab while she gets her M.A.

I also know a number of international students who are in a financial pickle because their spouses don't have work visas. Back in 1998 in the Chronicle, David North from the Department of the Interior urged universities and graduate students to admit that grad students are the working poor.

It is interesting to compare two populations being supported by Uncle Sam: Buck privates in the Army and graduate students working as research assistants on federal grants. While the compensation packages for both groups are complex, unmarried first-year privates receive an average of $17,000 a year, and married ones about $1,000 more.

In comparison, the median stipend for the 41 unmarried graduate students whom I interviewed (in 1996-1997) was $14,000. Universities do not grant larger stipends for students with families; in fact, the median stipend for the 46 married students I interviewed was actually smaller -- only about $12,000.

Most graduate students have to live on their stipends; a few have help from their families or from a working spouse. Many, particularly U.S. citizens, go into debt.

He goes on to advocate that universities should counsel graduate students to use public assistance that they qualify for:

As a policy matter, I believe that universities should pay their graduate assistants at least as much as privates in the military earn -- a step that federal agencies could encourage by slight increases in their formulas for calculating research grants.

Failing that, graduate schools should accept the fact that their Ph.D. candidates are members of the working poor and help those students figure out how to use federal assistance programs. Perhaps graduate students in social work could be hired part-time to help the Ph.D. candidates apply for those programs. Why should the working poor among our graduate students continue to lose out on benefits that they are legally eligible to receive?

The issue of graduate students taking public aid has also been extensively debated on MetaFilter. More recently, an article on the US News site reports that the number of college students receiving food stamps in Florida is up 44% when compared to last year. Considering the current state of the economy, I wouldn't be surprised to see this trend continue. Given the number of low income and working class students that drop out of college should we really begrudge these students some extra help?

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Getting Oriented

Had a not very satisfying orientation/assessment meeting with the departmental chair last week in which she told me that I needed to take a bunch of classes because I don't have the proper "breadth" classes in my field. This despite my master's degree. Apparently, if the courses don't have the correct three letter prefix, despite their content, they are of no use.

Luckily after that I met with my advisor, who maintained that no one would care one bit what courses I had taken during my job search, but rather what I will know and what I will have (is that the proper tense?) written. Thank the gods! He suggested that I avoid taking classes just to fulfill requirements, and came up with ideas for more interesting things I might take. He even offered to come up with a reading course for me tailored towards some of our joint interests. Yay!

Now I have to get to bed. Teaching a "lab" tomorrow morning at 8AM. Fun, fun, fun!

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PhD requirements

I am very grumpy after my "entry evaluation" with the faculty graduate adviser of my new program. Despite having something more than 72 credits of courses through my program at BA U, it looks like I will have to retake many classes. The problem is that most of my classes at BA U, weren't officially listed in "head studies". That's because there was no department of "head studies" so now they want me to take five out of seven breath requirement courses as well as the language requirement. Seriously, it's like my MA doesn't count at all. Arg. I thought I had researched this.

Problem #1: They might be right. My transcripts look horrible, they are filled with independent studies and group studies, courses that don't say anything on them. So it might be better for me to have a transcript that looked like I went through an actual program.

Problem #2: I will likely be very bored sitting through all these requirements and I don't tend to focus well when I'm bored.

Problem #3: This will slow down my time to degree and I have already spent waaaayyy too much time in grad school.

ARG!

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A break from Academia

Since I graduated (yay!) I have been filling my life up with getting ready for our move in the fall and avoiding any academically oriented work. Since this blog is often about my struggles with academia, I have been avoiding posting here. But that's just silly! Kitties and I are all settled in to our summer gigs. We are sharing a largish townhouse with two roommates, who are also somewhat crunchy, so it works out well.

Beorn survived his first three weeks of field school, but just barely. Monday of the second week they were directed to hack through some vegetation to get to a survey point, only no one had brought gloves. Guess what happened next? About a third of the class ended up with poison oak! Beorn had it pretty bad and so was miserable and rightly pissed about it. Beorn is a computer geek, not an outdoorsy type and grew up in the Midwest, so wasn't familiar (enough) with poison oak. That stuff can be really tricky, it grows in so many different forms and vines itself into the growth of other shrubs and trees that it can be easy to miss. Frankly it never occured to me that the field school organizers wouldn't have it together enough to help him ID poison oak, that kind of seems like lesson one in these parts.

Luckily he is mostly through it now and we are enjoying his break. Field school starts again on Monday. Until then we are relaxing and heading to the beach for the weekend. I'm trying to get in as many min-vacations as I can this summer. We rarely have enough money saved to take trips and it can be difficult to get Beorn interested in leaving his comfy home and computer. Other than our honeymoon I can't remember the last time that we have taken a vacation. I do take days off here or there, but those are more like mental health days and involve catching up on laundry or lying in bed with a migraine.

Don't worry though, our regular schedule of complaints and bitching about how much academia sucks and how crazy everyone is will return in September. Just kidding, I'm very hopeful about my new program.

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I Have Attained Mastery!

Of what? I'm not sure, but my thesis is signed and submitted! Yay! I don't think it has quite sunk in yet. Now Beorn just has to finish his finals and we will both be graduated and ready to move on. Beorn will be out of town for most of the summer at "field school." I will be sharing a house with some other women and their pets. It will be an adventure. In September Beorn and I will head off to Crunchy U. I still won't be posting here much for the next week because Beorn is leaving tomorrow and most of our apartment still isn't packed. He will be back next weekend for graduation and we will move the furniture then. Yuck! I hate moving.

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Ack! When "Issues" Attack!

This whole thesis process is driving me insane. To clarify, my program doesn't require a "defense," my committee just has to sign the damn thing. After my adviser having read and reviewed it, in sections, I gave the full draft to the two other committee members. Requesting that they give me feedback within two weeks. I would have liked to get the three of them together in a way, it would have meant that I had one dose of feedback and then could have revised. My adviser said they should send her their comments. Committee member number one is on sabbatical, so I had to mail him a copy. He read it the day he received it and requested a meeting with me. The meeting was somewhat painful since he pointed out many of the same problems that I see in the project and my writing of it. Unfortunately, I can't write what I would like to because it would be a serious critique of my adviser's work. Committee member number two is also my current boss on campus. I don't see him often because he is only in the office 1-2 days a week, but I'm now convinced, since it's been two weeks and I haven't gotten is comments, that he must not want to talk to me about it because it's so bad. (See, I have "issues.")

The thing is I know it's crap, but I promised my adviser that I would write something in exchange for her employment of me as a research assistant for a year. I have tried to gently point out to her the problems with this project. She isn't interested in hearing about it. My committee members are two of the smartest and most senior professors on campus. I'm sure the problems with the project and the things I'm not saying are obvious to them. I just want to get out of here and move on, preferably without having to burn bridges with anyone.

If I ever get the signatures from everyone, my second problem will be the fact that my adviser wants to publish an article from my thesis. We had talked about this, back before I understood the depth of the problem. I really, really don't want to have to tell her that I don't think this is publishable, but I also don't want to have my first publication be something I'm so embarrassed about.

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This applies to academics as well...

Sleep deprivation is not a badge of honor - (37signals)

"Forgoing sleep is like borrowing from a loan shark. Sure you get that extra hours right now to cover for your overly-optimistic estimation, but at what price? The shark will be back and if you can’t pay, he’ll break your creativity, morale, and good-mannered nature as virtue twigs."

David writes about this in relation to work in the private sector, but his point applies to academics as well. Doing good intellectual work requires we be at our best, not fuzzy-brained and grumpy. Yet anyone who admits to relaxing once in a while and getting enough sleep risks being viewed as a slacker as less than ambitious, not worthy of accolades.

I have been meaning to post a link to A Blog Around The Clock : A 40-hour workweek?
which links to posts by academic bloggers on the 40 hour work week. I don't think everyone should maintain a 40 hour week any more than I think everyone should work 12 hour days all the time. Everyone has their own limitations, but I don't think working long hours necessarily means you are more productive. Alternately, you might produce lots of product, but the quality might not be what it could have been had you had time to rest and reflect.

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Thesis Progress

Finally had a meeting with my adviser today. I was horribly nervous because I had written the entire thing, submitting sections of it to her as I went, but had had no feedback about it. No feedback is fine, if you are in agreement about the general plan, but there was no agreement about the plan. Adviser is very nice, but not terribly consistent.

She gave lots of comments, but they were all clarifying points. Nothing wild. Yay!

Now I just have to get it through the committee and filed.

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The Update

My decision to attend Visitation U. coincided with my trip to Big Conference, so I forgot to tell y'all. I would have liked to go to Great White North U. Did you know that Canadian TA's only work 10 hours a week? Union rules, ya'know. 10 hours a week and short semesters, I would recommend it to other grad students.

If it wasn't for Beorn I would have jumped on the chance. Beorn will have to find his way, either way, since he didn't get in where he applied last fall. I think he didn't put his best effort into his applications last time, so I'm hopeful that, if he really wants to do grad school, he will put in a stronger effort next time. Leaving the country under uncertain conditions just didn't seem reasonable. To get residency we would have to prove something like $12,000 in savings, which isn't going to happen anytime soon. Too bad.

I'm excited to be going someplace new though. Visitation U. will now be called Crunchy U. Hopefully there are enough "crunchy" places for that to be less than obvious.

Did I mention that Beorn will be graduating soon and then attending a "field school" over the summer? He will have to live away from me for the summer and spend a ton of time being active in the sunshine. Hopefully he won't need to yell, "The sun, it burns!!!" Or collapse from heat prostration. Computer geeks aren't known for their enjoyment of hiking. I'm crossing my fingers for him.

I will be continuing my current job on campus over the summer. I have a ton of work to catch up on in that vein. Don't tell the administration that I'm actually leaving.

I don't feel that excited about starting over at a new place, but I'm hoping the excitement will build. Getting away from my current entanglements would be nice though. My father has called twice (once while I was in Boston) in the last two weeks for help with Grandma. I don't mind helping, but it's always last minute and an emergency with him. If I have to say no, I feel anxious and stressed. It probably sounds horrible, but I don't think Grandma will be negatively affected by my absence, but being a little further away from family will help me get my degree finished.

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Reading

A while back Wil asked how I was liking Foucault's Pendulum. The truth is I started and then couldn't concentrate on it. I had too much grading and work and worrying to do. My father got it for me for Christmas. On the 23rd of December he called me to ask what I wanted for Christmas. I referred to my Amazon wishlist. I don't actually order from Amazon, but it's an easy way to keep a list of books I want.

He also bought me the Island of the Day Before. I read to page 150 and still couldn't get into the story. The imagery was amazing, but a guy mysteriously stuck on a sailboat with no one else around, doesn't keep the pages turning. It felt like he was doing some kind of writing exercise, to see if he could weave the stories together, make it interesting.

I returned to Foucault's Pendulum, since I had only read a few pages. Now that I have had more time to avoid writing by reading, I'm enjoying it. It's taking much more concentration than the rest of my recent reads. I recently joined BookMooch, which has allowed me to mooch books I would never buy for myself. For example, Jane Goodall's autobiography, Reason for Hope was nice and had some interesting points, but was written for a popular audience. I haven't read anything non-fiction quite so fluffy in quite a while. Jan Goodall is one of my favorite famous women scientists, along with Rosalind Franklin, the discoverer of DNA. A third awesome woman scientist is Dr. Lynn Margulis, who despite seeming to get no credit, is the person who actually provided evidence to support the Gaia Hypothesis. Margulis is the scientist who worked out Endosymbiotic theory, the theory that we are actually symbiotic organisms, the mitochondria in our cells were at one time separate organisms. I also read Neil Gaiman's book, American Gods. Neil Gaiman is my new favorite author.

Now that I have gotten into it, I'm really enjoying Foucault's Pendulum. It's my only distraction from the hell that is my thesis. Until my thesis is done I'm not allowing myself to work on any other projects. No working on my dissertation proposal, no starting fun projects, no, no, no. Must motivate to write the damn thing. I'm terrified to give it to my committee. I'm being silly because my committee members are both awesome, but I'm frightened.

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My First Time

Just Me and I had our first blogger meetup at Big Conference. We could have used a better venue, but I really enjoyed our talk. I think I talked too much, but hopefully she will forgive me. We didn't take any pictures. It turns out we know people in common. Weird. It made me feel much better to meet with someone so friendly and strangely familiar. Big Conference was starting to wearing on me. I'm not outgoing although I can sometimes pretend. Now I won't be so nervous before my next meetup.

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Academic Appearances

My recent trip to Big Conference gave me a lot to think about in terms of how academics present themselves. Apparently Girl Scholar has been having similar thoughts.

The Adventures of Notorious Ph.D., Girl Scholar: Keeping up appearances

"Really, though, my question is: when did academia become a glamour profession? It seems to me that there was a time when professors were expected to be a bit dumpy. Sure, there was That One Professor that everyone had a crush on, but that was exceptional.

One of the funn(i)est things about Big Conference is guessing what people specialize in by their dress and personal appearance. I guess what fascinates me is whether or not it's a good idea to imitate the dress of important scholars you admire. I'm sure that if you are the student of an important scholar s/he would be flattered to find that you take after them in terms of dress. I'm going to give you some of the obvious categories for my discipline, which I think I will call "head studies" in contrast to my earlier attempts in the field of "hairdressing." Please don't think I'm making fun, my observations about people's appearance do not lesson my impression of them as scholars. I'm just insecure about my place in academia and my identity, so I make these observations:

Old School, Old Boy: This is an older gentleman in a full suit with tie (sometimes a bow tie.) Grey haired and confident, he and his cohort chat while relaxing in the lounge areas of the conference. In "head studies" this person is always a white male.

The Techie: This is our version of the geek. Khakis and a blue shirt, glasses. A neat, short haircut. Also invariably a man, although younger.

The Outdoorsperson: S/he is unconcerned about appearances. Clothing tends towards jeans or khakis and flannel shirts, all slightly ill-fitting. This person doesn't get haircuts frequently. Her or his hair is long and looks slightly unkempt. Beards are common for men. You can also tell this type by their skin. They tend to have slightly leathery or freckled skin from spending a lot of time outside.

The Rock Star (male): This guy is smart and he knows it. He has lots of hair gel, tight black pants, sunglasses and a leather jacket.

The Rock Star (female): She could be old or young, but she always has a short, spiky haircut, usually covered in gel. Like the male Rock Star, she tends towards fashionable, tailored clothing. She generally wears close fitting pants, black boots, a tailored jacket (often red) and an elegantly tied scarf.

I know there are more types, but those are the ones that stand out in my mind. Each of these types is associated with a particular sub-discipline, but I won't go into that.

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Privilege is difficult to see, especially when you have it.

Check out this post from YoungFemaleScientist: Insidious, hard to quantify, Gender Discrimination. (It's long.)

I don't know why we keep expecting men to get it. Seriously, it's rare for a white man in a position of power, even those who are supposedly enlightened to get their privilege. It does happen, for example, my current boss is an awesome mentor to graduate students of all genders, races, and so on, but it's rare. In some sense I don't blame them, privilege is difficult to see. As a white woman I rarely notice my white privilege, except when a person of color talks about their experiences of discrimination.

It really isn't that mysterious. Imagine older, male mentor and young, somewhat geeky, but still "nubile"(I hate that word) female grad student working long hours together in the lab or slaving over ancient tombs. If this was a movie, what happens next? William Deresiewicz knows.

If you were an older male professor faced with uncomfortably attractive young grad students, what would your reaction be? Make sure the office door stays open. Whatever you do, don't go out to drinks after work. Keep things professional. Would the same be true with your male grad students?

I know, I'm being hetero-normative, but it's not a question of actual impropriety, it's just appearances. The point is the privilege is invisible. You are a male grad student and you "hang out" with your adviser. Your adviser thinks of you as a younger version of himself, people who are different, who think differently make him uncomfortable. Most likely he doesn't realize this. He can't help his feelings, but they affect his attitude towards his students, how much time he spends with them, how enthusiastic he is.

I happens, even when there is no conscious intention to discriminate. Networking opportunities become limited. Older faculty are uncomfortable. Young men and women don't see what's going wrong.

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Questions for the Academic Blog-o-sphere

Some grad student friends and I (my work buddies) were having lunch this week and began discussing the expense of going to the major conferences in our fields. Now, each of us is in very somewhat different fields, but their conclusion was that going to the major conference in your field each year wasn't that important. Last year I attended the large conference in my field for the first time and a very small conference, not directly within my field, but related to my master's research methodologically.

Attending the large conference was stimulating because I was exposed to sub-fields and "star" scholars that I never would have understood otherwise. I got much more of a sense of what is hot in my field than I could from reading journals. The large conference was mostly a total bust in terms of networking though. I felt terribly out of place the entire time. The paper sessions didn't allow enough time for questions and people weren't very open to people waylaying them after their talk. The conference was so huge that I felt completely lost and dwarfed by the event.

The small conference was much more fun. My friend and I got to talk to some experienced researchers using similar methodologies. People actually attended our paper session despite the fact that it was scheduled for the last afternoon of the conference.

This year I'm going to major conference again, only this year it's going to be much more expensive since I have to pay for travel and airfare. This year I'm presenting my thesis research. So in the coming years, as I'm developing my dissertation research, how often do I need to attend the major conference in my field?

The thing is, it's fr*cking expensive.
$500 for airfare
$300/night for a hotel room (Ok, you could share, but still.)
$20+/day for food
$25/haircut
$75 clothing to make me look less like a homeless person

Total= $1300 (minimally)

That's almost a month's wages for me.

Second question. There's small conference coming up in June at Visitation U. It's interdisciplinary, but very much related to my interests. I emailed the organizer to get more info about cost. He suggested that I might moderate one of the panels. How worth it is moderating? I guess it would give me something to do if I want to go to the conference anyway. If I only have money and time to attend one or two conferences a year how should I choose? This small conference seems like it would be better for networking, but it seems that I'm going to have to sample a variety of small conferences until I find the few that I really fit with. Last year I attended one small conference I really loved and one that I never want to go to again. I never would have guess which was which without attending each.

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No.

That's the answer to whatever question you are about to ask me. No, my thesis still isn't finished. No, my work computer isn't fixed yet. No, I haven't decided where to go to finish my PhD.

The department at Visitation U. is smallish, but seems strong both academically and socially. I like that. The gossip, which I can't say much about, has to do with the personalities and advising styles of particular professors there. I like the fact that the grad students were willing to give me their perspectives on the problems. In a way it was funny, because they were so dramatic about revealing the problems and then the problems seemed so minor, so run of the mill, considering my experiences at B.A.U. and what I read about in the academic blog-o-sphere, that I almost had to laugh.

Visitation U. is in a nice, smallish city or largish town, depending how you look at it. Rent and living expenses there would be around 2/3 of what we pay now at B.A.U. Of course, my TA salary there would be 2/3 's of what I make now at B.A.U. There are lots of recreation opportunities, good Asian restaurants (have I blogged about Beorn's addiction to sushi?), and it's in the same region I'm proposing to study for my dissertation.

The alternative is Great White North U. They are offering me significantly more money, but they are located in a large city, rent and expenses would be higher. Also, at least for the first year, a significant amount of that money would have to be spent paying international student fees. The department there is larger, which could be a major benefit for me: more grad students interested in similar issues, and a more dynamic environment. The climate, latitude, and large urban environment make it a less appealing place to live though. Also, it's not in the region I'm planning to study, meaning my research would have to involve extended, expensive trips to that region.

I think what is making me so grumpy these days is a mourning process. I had planned to stay here at B.A.U. to finish the PhD. If I was staying I could start studying for my comprehensive exams any time now. Starting over is going to cost me a year, at least, possibly two. I feel sad about all of this, sad that I wasted so much time trying to make things work here, and sad that I'm leaving. (Oh god! I'm breaking up with my university.) Does that mean that whatever new university I choose is a rebound relationship?

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The gentle art of letter writing

On the grad school application front, I have now heard back from two universities besides Visitation U. "Great White North U." has made me a very nice offer, which would most likely involve Beorn and I applying for permanent resident status. Their program is excellent, but I'm not sure it's realistic for us to move to such an expensive city and try to emmigrate and all.

On the other hand, one of the top rated programs in the U.S. sent me a rather strange acceptance letter. It went something like this...

Dear Breena,

Thank you for your application to the graduate program of the "Head Studies" Department at "Top State". You are in the top third of the application pool. As a result, we are recommending to the Graduate School that you be admitted to the program. Congratulations! The fact that we let you in means you must have had a good application.

Although admission is good news, we haven't worked out a financial aid package for you. Although we have already made some TA and RA offers, it is unclear how many more admission-with-aid packages will be available. You are among a group of 20 students who didn't quite make the cut. In the next two or three weeks, I hope to contact you to make you the offer that you are undoubtedly waiting for!

We know you may have had good offers from "lesser" programs, but if you have independent funds to support tuition and living expenses, you are welcome to consider coming anyway. There is some chance that over the summer – or in subsequent semesters – we will be able to find an assistantship for you. But as of now, it is a case of wait-and-see. Thank you for your interest in "Top State".
Sincerely

Dr. So-and-so
Chair, Graduate Admissions Committee

Jane Doe
Graduate Assistant


I modified the wording of the letter somewhat to protect the not-so-innocent, but not much. The tone is fairly true to the original. Notice that while the letter is officially signed my Dr. So-and-so, it was sent from the account of his graduate assistant. This letter has to be the worst acceptance letter of all time. It does not make me want to join their program, no matter how highly rated. In fact, I would like to email the chair and gently mention that I found the letter off-putting. Seriously, someone should learn how to write an acceptance letter. I know it isn't a good idea to go telling tenured professors in my discipline how to do their jobs, but really, I could write a much better letter than that.

More realistically, I would like to write them and let them know that I have firm offers from other places and if they would like me to consider their program, they should up their game, but I'm almost certain that email would come out sarcastic. In any case, I think I should contact Dr. So-and-so directly rather than his staff person. To me it seems very rude for him to not take the time to write himself, at least for the first contact. It would only take a few minutes to cut and paste the letters. And twenty students on the waiting list? Frak, how many students did the let in?

Any suggestions?

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My visit might be unbloggable

Damn, I'm tired. I was so nervous/excited the entire trip that I could hardly sleep. I hate not being able to sleep. Also, I grit my teeth. Usually just a little, but now my jaw hurts.

I'm never sure how to disguise my identity or the identities of those I blog about. It's one of the most frustrating things about blogging. I'm not good at office/departmental politics and so I want to blog about those things to get advice.
The situation at Visitation U. is extremely interesting. It's the kind of the thing that confuses me and makes me nervous.

In my previous career, I did something that people either envied, or were repulsed by. I consider teaching a calling. (Interesting, I just realized I that.) My friend, who is a nurse, said to me one time, after I had talked to her about my thought process, in deciding whether or not to go to nursing school, that nursing is a calling. Her view was that people who get into nursing for the wrong reasons grow to resent their patients. Teachers who don't love teaching, I believe, experience something similar.

When I taught outdoor ed, I had to wrangle the energy of 20+ elementary students all day. I had to keep them safe and entertained and learning. This was a lot of work, but something I really enjoyed. I liked being outside and talking about science and nature and trying to show students how learning can be fun. I miss my old job.

Many people, on the other hand, did not want my job. They didn't like the idea of herding large groups of children, of teaching the same lessons, over and over. I got sick teaching elementary students, over and over. I got paid very, very little, because there was a constant stream of young college grads willing to take my job. Never mind that they didn't know how to teach like I did, that I had worked years to learn how to teach well, that wasn't important.

My point is, my previous career wasn't competitive. I worked hard because I wanted to be an excellent teacher. I always hoped to move up, to run my own program and make enough money to pay off my loans and buy a house. When it became clear that it might be years before that happened, I realized I would have to go back to school and get some training. Maybe it was my naivety, I didn't think of being competitive, I just wanted to do my job well.

Academia is competitive. Visitation U. is very interested in me, at least by the standards of my discipline and their middle level status. I'm not used to people paying attention to me. Frankly, it made me nervous. It's all well and good to be a star student in a small department, but then you have to keep that up. You have to be smart and say the right things and kiss up to the right people. I'm more of the say what's on your mind type.

That's one reason I think it might be a good idea for me to change programs. I wasn't very circumspect when I started the program here a B.A.U. I didn't act respectful towards profs who I thought were "phoning it in" or just plain wrong. As an experienced teacher it was frustrating to see people who I wanted to admire, act as if they didn't care, as if teaching was the least thing to them, as if their ideas must be the best and everyone else wasn't worth listening to.

When I started the program at B.A.U., I didn't understand the need to "look smart" and my friends who were nervous to speak up and ask questions confused me. I didn't have something to prove. Now, with this new department, I feel I have to prove that I'm worthy of their esteem. I know it's weird. Who wouldn't be happy to get into a supportive department? They even offered a small scholarship, which I think will continue as long as I'm there.

I have to suppress my desire to tell them I'm not who they think I am.

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Why did I sign up for this crap?

I have finally caught the illness that has been going around. When I'm sick I just want to sleep and tend to get depressed. As a recovering workaholic, not being able to work is difficult. Getting behind in numerous types of work is frustrating. My thesis is progressing, but far from complete. I'm treading water at my "research assistant" job. And I haven't managed to finish grading the latest batch of papers, partly because I found two cases of plagerism.


Tomorrow I'm going to visit the one PhD program I have heard from, which won't help me catch up. I'm excited, but nervous.

What has made me extra tired today is my students. They aren't reading. I tried to lead them through constructing an argument for their next paper, which is due Monday, but since they haven't read most of the case studies, there wasn't much for them to say. They are tired, it's near the end of the term, and this is just a Gen Ed class, but their apathy discourages me. I'm tired of making an effort, when they are doing the bare minimum.

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Graduate school plans, a review

The process of transitioning from a master's program to a PhD program has been a bumpy one for me. Officially, I'm listed as a PhD student here at B.A.U. despite the fact that my master's thesis is not complete. At this point I have completed more than enough credits to be done with classes and preparing for my qualifying exams. My thesis has been lagging for a number of reasons. (I'm trying to convince myself that this isn't a sign of my lack of suitability for an academic career.)

1. Last year I agreed to work with my adviser on a long term project and take part of the analysis to create my thesis. This cause no end of trouble because (I later found out that) we fundamentally disagree about what kind of analysis should be done with that data. Then the data collection process wasn't very successful.

2. I have had all sorts of bad luck and family issues in the last two years: a broken foot, relatives in need of care, a stolen car, my grandfather dying, Beorn's cat disappearing.
There has been some confusion about what discipline I want to be in and what degrees was pursuing. This was my fault. When I started, I thought I would pursue a dual degree in "hairdressing" and "head studies" because there are jobs for "hairdressers" outside of academia, which would have taken me 31/2-4 years, so really I'm exactly on schedule. (Right, right?) I always felt that I ultimately wanted to teach and so might want to pursue a PhD, but I didn't communicate that very clearly to either my professors or friends and family outside of academia. I think Beorn understood, but other people not so much.

Last year, when it became clear that my Adviser and I weren't meshing, I started thinking about who I might get to advise me on a PhD project. I met with professors from all over the campus looking for a good match, but while several people were encouraging about my project ideas, none of them seemed appropriate considering my degree will be in "head studies" and none of them come from closely related disciplines, so Beorn and I started thinking about applying to other grad schools.

I could stay at B.A.U. because things seem to be looking up for the "head studies" program here. Its interesting how many people seem threatened or upset by my choosing to leave. Friends from my cohort make pressuring comments, despite the fact that I rarely see them, and they know I have good reasons for leaving. Professors here keep emphasizing how great other professors here are (I think will little actual knowledge of the person in question.) Friends and family outside of academia mainly seem puzzled. They think I should be done already and start making money. They are probably right in one sense. Pursuing a PhD doesn't make much sense financially, but I'm surprised, because these are people who didn't choose their careers/jobs for their money making potential.

I understand not wanting a friend to move away, particularly one who you see frequently, but I have a feeling that many people just aren't comfortable with my decision. Either they don't see the value in pursuing an academic career or they are uncomfortable with my dissatisfaction with the current program. In my mind, if I'm going to pursue an academic career, I need to pursue it full force, not settle for a program that doesn't suit me.

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Two good things and one bad

Bad news first:

I'm spending my weekend grading exams. These are essays, so each one takes a while.

Good news:

1. I found out this week that at least one of the PhD programs I applied to wants me. They said I was "on top of their list", or something like that. They offered me three years of guaranteed teaching fellowships, which I think is the best they have to offer.

2. Pineapple guava jam is good. Beorn and I made some last winter and now I'm enjoying it on buttered toast.

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