Welfare for Grad Students?

Here's my basic question - Under what conditions would you (as a grad student) consider applying for welfare programs like low income housing or foodstamps?

Here's my situation. One of the main reasons that I decided to switch programs and go to Crunchy U. is that they offer the option to buy health insurance for your spouse and dependents. Ever since last summer when we were living in an attic filled with black mold Beorn has been developing unexplained health problems. He is always exhausted and his blood test show that he is anemic. He also has constant joint pain and a high "rheumatoid factor." We are having more tests done. Needless to say, having continuing health coverage for him is essential.

He feels fairly bad on a day to day basis and so may have trouble working full time unless we figure out what is wrong. In the mean-time, we are living on my stipend and student loans. Last night we discussed applying for disability for him and investigating the possibility of food stamps. I'm having some difficulty with this because if I dropped out of school with my master's degree I would likely be able to find a job that pays more than my TA stipend, so it seems somehow wrong to apply for assistance. On the other hand, I have no way of knowing what kind of work I might find or whether my new job would offer health insurance for Beorn. Most likely it would be difficult for me to support us on one salary and pay off my monumental student loans.

If I stay in school I know I have a job for the next three years at least and health insurance. Given the unstable state of the economy at the moment taking risks doesn't seem wise. Mainly, I want to stay in academia. I love my new department and love the privilege of teaching and researching topics that interest me. If I was to quit school I know I wouldn't find a job I love that would pay me what I need to be paid, at least not right away.

I know many people would never consider applying for welfare while in school, but apparently there is a long tradition of graduate students on welfare, judging by this thread on College Confidential. But here are a couple of vignettes from my week to fuel your thinking about why someone might consider it.

While riding the bus home this week I overheard a conversation between a couple of undergrads. They were discussing the stock market crash. One young guy was telling the other how bad it had gotten for his family. His dad had told him that he might have to get a part time job because his stocks had been so devalued. I sat there shocked that his dad wouldn't require him to a least work a few hours a week for spending money.

Later in the week I ran into one another woman in my cohort - a woman of "non-traditional student" age who had returned to school to earn a masters degree. She told me a little about her background -- how she started living on her own a week after her highschool graduation. She had dropped out of school because her parents hadn't been willing or able to help her pay for college. This attitude is common in working class families and yet there is no way for students under the age of 25 to prove that they aren't getting help from their families. So she dropped out of college and went to beauty school. She joked that she should have just got married or "knocked-up" because then at least she wouldn't be counted as her parents' dependent. After a number of years supporting herself doing manicure and pedicures she decided that she was really tired of massaging strangers' feet. Since she was now 26 she could qualify for financial aid as an independent. She went back to school, got her B.A. and a job she really enjoyed. Now she's supporting herself working as a research assistant in a lab while she gets her M.A.

I also know a number of international students who are in a financial pickle because their spouses don't have work visas. Back in 1998 in the Chronicle, David North from the Department of the Interior urged universities and graduate students to admit that grad students are the working poor.

It is interesting to compare two populations being supported by Uncle Sam: Buck privates in the Army and graduate students working as research assistants on federal grants. While the compensation packages for both groups are complex, unmarried first-year privates receive an average of $17,000 a year, and married ones about $1,000 more.

In comparison, the median stipend for the 41 unmarried graduate students whom I interviewed (in 1996-1997) was $14,000. Universities do not grant larger stipends for students with families; in fact, the median stipend for the 46 married students I interviewed was actually smaller -- only about $12,000.

Most graduate students have to live on their stipends; a few have help from their families or from a working spouse. Many, particularly U.S. citizens, go into debt.

He goes on to advocate that universities should counsel graduate students to use public assistance that they qualify for:

As a policy matter, I believe that universities should pay their graduate assistants at least as much as privates in the military earn -- a step that federal agencies could encourage by slight increases in their formulas for calculating research grants.

Failing that, graduate schools should accept the fact that their Ph.D. candidates are members of the working poor and help those students figure out how to use federal assistance programs. Perhaps graduate students in social work could be hired part-time to help the Ph.D. candidates apply for those programs. Why should the working poor among our graduate students continue to lose out on benefits that they are legally eligible to receive?

The issue of graduate students taking public aid has also been extensively debated on MetaFilter. More recently, an article on the US News site reports that the number of college students receiving food stamps in Florida is up 44% when compared to last year. Considering the current state of the economy, I wouldn't be surprised to see this trend continue. Given the number of low income and working class students that drop out of college should we really begrudge these students some extra help?

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Getting Oriented

Had a not very satisfying orientation/assessment meeting with the departmental chair last week in which she told me that I needed to take a bunch of classes because I don't have the proper "breadth" classes in my field. This despite my master's degree. Apparently, if the courses don't have the correct three letter prefix, despite their content, they are of no use.

Luckily after that I met with my advisor, who maintained that no one would care one bit what courses I had taken during my job search, but rather what I will know and what I will have (is that the proper tense?) written. Thank the gods! He suggested that I avoid taking classes just to fulfill requirements, and came up with ideas for more interesting things I might take. He even offered to come up with a reading course for me tailored towards some of our joint interests. Yay!

Now I have to get to bed. Teaching a "lab" tomorrow morning at 8AM. Fun, fun, fun!

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PhD requirements

I am very grumpy after my "entry evaluation" with the faculty graduate adviser of my new program. Despite having something more than 72 credits of courses through my program at BA U, it looks like I will have to retake many classes. The problem is that most of my classes at BA U, weren't officially listed in "head studies". That's because there was no department of "head studies" so now they want me to take five out of seven breath requirement courses as well as the language requirement. Seriously, it's like my MA doesn't count at all. Arg. I thought I had researched this.

Problem #1: They might be right. My transcripts look horrible, they are filled with independent studies and group studies, courses that don't say anything on them. So it might be better for me to have a transcript that looked like I went through an actual program.

Problem #2: I will likely be very bored sitting through all these requirements and I don't tend to focus well when I'm bored.

Problem #3: This will slow down my time to degree and I have already spent waaaayyy too much time in grad school.

ARG!

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Ack! When "Issues" Attack!

This whole thesis process is driving me insane. To clarify, my program doesn't require a "defense," my committee just has to sign the damn thing. After my adviser having read and reviewed it, in sections, I gave the full draft to the two other committee members. Requesting that they give me feedback within two weeks. I would have liked to get the three of them together in a way, it would have meant that I had one dose of feedback and then could have revised. My adviser said they should send her their comments. Committee member number one is on sabbatical, so I had to mail him a copy. He read it the day he received it and requested a meeting with me. The meeting was somewhat painful since he pointed out many of the same problems that I see in the project and my writing of it. Unfortunately, I can't write what I would like to because it would be a serious critique of my adviser's work. Committee member number two is also my current boss on campus. I don't see him often because he is only in the office 1-2 days a week, but I'm now convinced, since it's been two weeks and I haven't gotten is comments, that he must not want to talk to me about it because it's so bad. (See, I have "issues.")

The thing is I know it's crap, but I promised my adviser that I would write something in exchange for her employment of me as a research assistant for a year. I have tried to gently point out to her the problems with this project. She isn't interested in hearing about it. My committee members are two of the smartest and most senior professors on campus. I'm sure the problems with the project and the things I'm not saying are obvious to them. I just want to get out of here and move on, preferably without having to burn bridges with anyone.

If I ever get the signatures from everyone, my second problem will be the fact that my adviser wants to publish an article from my thesis. We had talked about this, back before I understood the depth of the problem. I really, really don't want to have to tell her that I don't think this is publishable, but I also don't want to have my first publication be something I'm so embarrassed about.

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Thesis Progress

Finally had a meeting with my adviser today. I was horribly nervous because I had written the entire thing, submitting sections of it to her as I went, but had had no feedback about it. No feedback is fine, if you are in agreement about the general plan, but there was no agreement about the plan. Adviser is very nice, but not terribly consistent.

She gave lots of comments, but they were all clarifying points. Nothing wild. Yay!

Now I just have to get it through the committee and filed.

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The Update

My decision to attend Visitation U. coincided with my trip to Big Conference, so I forgot to tell y'all. I would have liked to go to Great White North U. Did you know that Canadian TA's only work 10 hours a week? Union rules, ya'know. 10 hours a week and short semesters, I would recommend it to other grad students.

If it wasn't for Beorn I would have jumped on the chance. Beorn will have to find his way, either way, since he didn't get in where he applied last fall. I think he didn't put his best effort into his applications last time, so I'm hopeful that, if he really wants to do grad school, he will put in a stronger effort next time. Leaving the country under uncertain conditions just didn't seem reasonable. To get residency we would have to prove something like $12,000 in savings, which isn't going to happen anytime soon. Too bad.

I'm excited to be going someplace new though. Visitation U. will now be called Crunchy U. Hopefully there are enough "crunchy" places for that to be less than obvious.

Did I mention that Beorn will be graduating soon and then attending a "field school" over the summer? He will have to live away from me for the summer and spend a ton of time being active in the sunshine. Hopefully he won't need to yell, "The sun, it burns!!!" Or collapse from heat prostration. Computer geeks aren't known for their enjoyment of hiking. I'm crossing my fingers for him.

I will be continuing my current job on campus over the summer. I have a ton of work to catch up on in that vein. Don't tell the administration that I'm actually leaving.

I don't feel that excited about starting over at a new place, but I'm hoping the excitement will build. Getting away from my current entanglements would be nice though. My father has called twice (once while I was in Boston) in the last two weeks for help with Grandma. I don't mind helping, but it's always last minute and an emergency with him. If I have to say no, I feel anxious and stressed. It probably sounds horrible, but I don't think Grandma will be negatively affected by my absence, but being a little further away from family will help me get my degree finished.

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Reading

A while back Wil asked how I was liking Foucault's Pendulum. The truth is I started and then couldn't concentrate on it. I had too much grading and work and worrying to do. My father got it for me for Christmas. On the 23rd of December he called me to ask what I wanted for Christmas. I referred to my Amazon wishlist. I don't actually order from Amazon, but it's an easy way to keep a list of books I want.

He also bought me the Island of the Day Before. I read to page 150 and still couldn't get into the story. The imagery was amazing, but a guy mysteriously stuck on a sailboat with no one else around, doesn't keep the pages turning. It felt like he was doing some kind of writing exercise, to see if he could weave the stories together, make it interesting.

I returned to Foucault's Pendulum, since I had only read a few pages. Now that I have had more time to avoid writing by reading, I'm enjoying it. It's taking much more concentration than the rest of my recent reads. I recently joined BookMooch, which has allowed me to mooch books I would never buy for myself. For example, Jane Goodall's autobiography, Reason for Hope was nice and had some interesting points, but was written for a popular audience. I haven't read anything non-fiction quite so fluffy in quite a while. Jan Goodall is one of my favorite famous women scientists, along with Rosalind Franklin, the discoverer of DNA. A third awesome woman scientist is Dr. Lynn Margulis, who despite seeming to get no credit, is the person who actually provided evidence to support the Gaia Hypothesis. Margulis is the scientist who worked out Endosymbiotic theory, the theory that we are actually symbiotic organisms, the mitochondria in our cells were at one time separate organisms. I also read Neil Gaiman's book, American Gods. Neil Gaiman is my new favorite author.

Now that I have gotten into it, I'm really enjoying Foucault's Pendulum. It's my only distraction from the hell that is my thesis. Until my thesis is done I'm not allowing myself to work on any other projects. No working on my dissertation proposal, no starting fun projects, no, no, no. Must motivate to write the damn thing. I'm terrified to give it to my committee. I'm being silly because my committee members are both awesome, but I'm frightened.

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No.

That's the answer to whatever question you are about to ask me. No, my thesis still isn't finished. No, my work computer isn't fixed yet. No, I haven't decided where to go to finish my PhD.

The department at Visitation U. is smallish, but seems strong both academically and socially. I like that. The gossip, which I can't say much about, has to do with the personalities and advising styles of particular professors there. I like the fact that the grad students were willing to give me their perspectives on the problems. In a way it was funny, because they were so dramatic about revealing the problems and then the problems seemed so minor, so run of the mill, considering my experiences at B.A.U. and what I read about in the academic blog-o-sphere, that I almost had to laugh.

Visitation U. is in a nice, smallish city or largish town, depending how you look at it. Rent and living expenses there would be around 2/3 of what we pay now at B.A.U. Of course, my TA salary there would be 2/3 's of what I make now at B.A.U. There are lots of recreation opportunities, good Asian restaurants (have I blogged about Beorn's addiction to sushi?), and it's in the same region I'm proposing to study for my dissertation.

The alternative is Great White North U. They are offering me significantly more money, but they are located in a large city, rent and expenses would be higher. Also, at least for the first year, a significant amount of that money would have to be spent paying international student fees. The department there is larger, which could be a major benefit for me: more grad students interested in similar issues, and a more dynamic environment. The climate, latitude, and large urban environment make it a less appealing place to live though. Also, it's not in the region I'm planning to study, meaning my research would have to involve extended, expensive trips to that region.

I think what is making me so grumpy these days is a mourning process. I had planned to stay here at B.A.U. to finish the PhD. If I was staying I could start studying for my comprehensive exams any time now. Starting over is going to cost me a year, at least, possibly two. I feel sad about all of this, sad that I wasted so much time trying to make things work here, and sad that I'm leaving. (Oh god! I'm breaking up with my university.) Does that mean that whatever new university I choose is a rebound relationship?

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My visit might be unbloggable

Damn, I'm tired. I was so nervous/excited the entire trip that I could hardly sleep. I hate not being able to sleep. Also, I grit my teeth. Usually just a little, but now my jaw hurts.

I'm never sure how to disguise my identity or the identities of those I blog about. It's one of the most frustrating things about blogging. I'm not good at office/departmental politics and so I want to blog about those things to get advice.
The situation at Visitation U. is extremely interesting. It's the kind of the thing that confuses me and makes me nervous.

In my previous career, I did something that people either envied, or were repulsed by. I consider teaching a calling. (Interesting, I just realized I that.) My friend, who is a nurse, said to me one time, after I had talked to her about my thought process, in deciding whether or not to go to nursing school, that nursing is a calling. Her view was that people who get into nursing for the wrong reasons grow to resent their patients. Teachers who don't love teaching, I believe, experience something similar.

When I taught outdoor ed, I had to wrangle the energy of 20+ elementary students all day. I had to keep them safe and entertained and learning. This was a lot of work, but something I really enjoyed. I liked being outside and talking about science and nature and trying to show students how learning can be fun. I miss my old job.

Many people, on the other hand, did not want my job. They didn't like the idea of herding large groups of children, of teaching the same lessons, over and over. I got sick teaching elementary students, over and over. I got paid very, very little, because there was a constant stream of young college grads willing to take my job. Never mind that they didn't know how to teach like I did, that I had worked years to learn how to teach well, that wasn't important.

My point is, my previous career wasn't competitive. I worked hard because I wanted to be an excellent teacher. I always hoped to move up, to run my own program and make enough money to pay off my loans and buy a house. When it became clear that it might be years before that happened, I realized I would have to go back to school and get some training. Maybe it was my naivety, I didn't think of being competitive, I just wanted to do my job well.

Academia is competitive. Visitation U. is very interested in me, at least by the standards of my discipline and their middle level status. I'm not used to people paying attention to me. Frankly, it made me nervous. It's all well and good to be a star student in a small department, but then you have to keep that up. You have to be smart and say the right things and kiss up to the right people. I'm more of the say what's on your mind type.

That's one reason I think it might be a good idea for me to change programs. I wasn't very circumspect when I started the program here a B.A.U. I didn't act respectful towards profs who I thought were "phoning it in" or just plain wrong. As an experienced teacher it was frustrating to see people who I wanted to admire, act as if they didn't care, as if teaching was the least thing to them, as if their ideas must be the best and everyone else wasn't worth listening to.

When I started the program at B.A.U., I didn't understand the need to "look smart" and my friends who were nervous to speak up and ask questions confused me. I didn't have something to prove. Now, with this new department, I feel I have to prove that I'm worthy of their esteem. I know it's weird. Who wouldn't be happy to get into a supportive department? They even offered a small scholarship, which I think will continue as long as I'm there.

I have to suppress my desire to tell them I'm not who they think I am.

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Why did I sign up for this crap?

I have finally caught the illness that has been going around. When I'm sick I just want to sleep and tend to get depressed. As a recovering workaholic, not being able to work is difficult. Getting behind in numerous types of work is frustrating. My thesis is progressing, but far from complete. I'm treading water at my "research assistant" job. And I haven't managed to finish grading the latest batch of papers, partly because I found two cases of plagerism.


Tomorrow I'm going to visit the one PhD program I have heard from, which won't help me catch up. I'm excited, but nervous.

What has made me extra tired today is my students. They aren't reading. I tried to lead them through constructing an argument for their next paper, which is due Monday, but since they haven't read most of the case studies, there wasn't much for them to say. They are tired, it's near the end of the term, and this is just a Gen Ed class, but their apathy discourages me. I'm tired of making an effort, when they are doing the bare minimum.

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External Fellowships & Grading

Last week I applied for my very first external fellowship. I know, I should have been applying for them from the start, but damn, that was a lot of work. I don't know how people do it. They could have asked for a C.V. but instead I had to put everything in one field at a time. It was exhausting and took up a bunch of time I could have used for something else, but I'm proud that I got it done. I don't think I'll get this one, but it's good practice. It made me write something up.

After that I spent most of the weekend grading papers and worrying about Grandma. For whatever reason her dementia or depression seems to have gotten worse. She wanted to stay in bed all weekend and have me bring her food in bed. Sounds fun, but not when you are 80+. Getting up and walking around is key at that point.

Paper grading was frustrating because the prof I'm working with decided that we should grade the papers, then give them back to the students for revisions, then only record their final grade. Guess what happened. Lots of people turned in papers that read like they had been completed in 1-2 hours the night before. Yuck.

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social theory and the irony of grad school

Today I had a meeting with Potential Adviser. This person makes me overly excited and nervous because strangely enough, after three years of graduate school, this person is the first to truly engage with my research ideas. His questions and expectations that I actually engage with theoretical questions in my field scare me. (In fact, I ran into him over winter break at the grocery store and my first reaction was to run away.) I think this is because my graduate program is much stronger in one subfield and weak in the subfield I'm most interested in. Strangely, the program at B.A.U. appears to have a number of faculty with expertise in my subfield, but none of them are currently effective in advising students (several of them retired this year.) This excitement and nervousness results in insomnia and a tendency to overwork myself. I need sleep, yet I can't seem to relax and feel tired. After several years of graduate school in which professors gave me A's and failed to give me any meaningful feedback on my writings, someone actually demanding more of me is terrifying.

Anyone remember the Seinfeld episode about who has "hand?" Apparently it was called "The Pez Dispenser."

GEORGE: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

KRAMER: Break up with her

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

JERRY: A preemptive breakup.

GEORGE: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

In my case, I'm not sure who has hand. Potential Adviser seems very interested in having me stay at B.A.U. In our most recent meeting, he again pointed out new developments at B.A.U. and their potential to positively impact grad students in my program. Yet I'm convinced (maybe because of my total lack of self esteem) that my weak dissertation ideas and inability to distill them into a coherent and concise proposal mean that at any moment he may decide that I'm not worth his time. Oh the anxiety!

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Why Blog?

Lately I have been considering this blog. Sometimes I think my tone is too negative and I spend too much time complaining about grad school. Of course, this psychologist, supports me in my enjoyment of whining. I love her.

Despite her recommendations, I have decided that the problem with this blog is that I don't let enough aspects of my personality out. I'm completely ADD in terms of my interests and this causes me some anxiety. I feel pressure to focus. Articles about how to write a successful blog always recommend focusing your blog on a particular topic and thinking about your audience and what they are interested in.

Instead, I have decided to blog about as many different topics as possible, which is fine because I'm not interested in attracting a large audience. In fact, this week I discovered that I can't keep up with reading all the new academic blogs out there. My bloglines is overflowing with them, as evidenced my blogroll.

Let the randomness commence! (Wait, this might be an early New Year's resolution.)

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Random bullets

• My neck has been hurting since Saturday. You know, like I slept wrong. It hurts to tilt my head to one side.
• I have been feeling nauseous and achey, also since Saturday, especially in the morning. No, I'm not pregnant and I don't have a fever, so I don't know what that is about.
• I finally got my haircut today, which I haven't done since August. I'm letting it grow out, but I still need bangs to hide my gigantic forehead. (Bonus weird fact about me: I have a huge forehead which kind of makes it look like my hair is receding, but it's been like that my whole life.)
• I waited on hold for a half an hour this afternoon just to hear from the advice nurse that I should use Advil and hot and cold packs for my neck. REALLY? I know she is used to dealing with 19 year old undergrads but she has my file right in front of her on the computer screen. If she was paying attention she could have figured out that I'm 34. She kept on asking me if I needed a note for my classes.
• I wish my problems could be solved by a note from the school nurse.
• My new haircut looks a little like Eve Myles from Torchwood, only my hair isn't as long as hers.
• I'm spending some time at work learning web design. It's actually kind of fun. My fabulous boss suggested I could take a class (offered next quarter) in video production and then work on creating videos and other multimedia stuff to put up on the web for his office.
  
• If this whole academia thing doesn't work out maybe I'll be able to find a job in "new media."
• Beorn and I are now firmly involved in the grad school application process and both having small panic attacks about it. I mean we are talking about uprooting our entire lives here and moving across country and this all depends on the stupid, arbitrariness of the admissions committees, and we are too old for this crap, and we need to have kids soon, and and and...
• I really like trees and being outside. I miss having a job that involved moving around and being outside. Sitting at a desk for 12+ hours a day leads to mental and physical health problems.
• I'm considering taking up folk dancing 0r some similar activities. My favorite exercises are hiking and swimming in a lake or the ocean. Swimming pools and walking around town are just not the same.

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I need to be writing my thesis and applying to PhD programs

so what am I doing? Anything but what I should be doing.

I feel really conflicted now, because officially I have already been accepted into the Phd program here and suddenly, they have hired new professors, who work in exactly the subfield I'm interested in. Strangely, three new professors in my discipline were hired in the last year, two in 'hairdressing' department. One of these, lets call him "enthusiastic new adviser," as repeatedly offered to be my dissertation adviser. He also gave me tons of useful advice, recommended appropriate literature, and generally acted interested and reliable. I'm not sure how to take this, because while I'm excited to have found someone who is interested in working with me, I still have a number of misgivings about staying in a program that has basically no support from either the university administration or from individual departments (where the money is.) I don't want to sound like a big whiner (although I'm considering including the word "whining" in my new blog title), but I don't trust the faculty in the 'hairdressing department.' Its not that they aren't nice people, its just that they have no idea of how to work with graduate students and they are wealthy and from upper middle class/upper class backgrounds, so they have no clue. They are generally clueless. Nice, smart, but clueless.

My class background and general poverty are beginning to give me a clue about how people of color feel. A while back, I was involved with a group in which one woman was a Latina. She is a chemist and kind of weirded out by the touchy-feely meeting we had. I really appreciated her honesty though. I forget why this came up, but for some reason she just said to us one day..."I don't trust any of you. You are white people, and when I meet white people I don't trust them, until I learn different." (Or something similar.)

I can understand her feeling. "Class" isn't even part of the vocabulary in this country. I have trouble when I hear people talking about their housekeepers and their trips to Italy. It's difficult for me to take advice from these people seriously.

Here's the unusual situation I was in coming into grad school...

I had a job that in some ways I loved, but it was paying me like a grocery store bagger.

Working part time as a grad student paid me a similar amount to what I was making full-time previously.

Since starting grad school I have worked 75%-100% most quarters. My first quarter in grad school I worked 33% as a TA and 20hrs a week running a field trip program for elementary students. So that was 33 hrs a week, while starting a new grad school. No wonder I was crying all the time.

For whatever reason, I'm a masochist, unless I'm overworking myself, I tend to feel I'm not accomplishing anything. Luckily, as a grad student I have good health insurance. My therapist has been so great.

My point is, I feel conflicted. I have struggled so much with my adviser. I still think she is clueless about the particular project I have been working with her on. In general, she has been unavailable, and given me little to no helpful advice or feedback. Also, there was a lot of confusing about research sites last year. I want to be mad, but still, compared to the other people in the hairdressing department, she is pretty cool.

Enthusiastic new adviser seems to have his heart (and mind) in the right place. I don't want to come off angry and bitter, but when he suggested a particular, senior professor from the 'hairdressing' department as a possible chair for my qualifying exam committee I wasn't sure what to say.

Thoughts on having a newly hired, tenure track professor as an adviser? Thoughts on getting a PhD from a crappy program, a R1 U, but with excellent advisers? Feelings/thoughts on changing PhD programs part way through? Is it worth it?

Beorn is finishing his undergraduate degree and is ready to move to another part of the country and a new graduate school.

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Arg, the drama continues...

So the place we are suppose to move into isn't ready. The folks who run this place are very informal, so they just said "plan on this weekend." Well the guy who is vacating the place hasn't moved out. I seriously doubt he will be able to move and they will be able to clean by this weekend. Classes start tomorrow at the Big Ag. U.

In other news I desperately need my thesis to be completed so that I can apply to PhD programs in far away places, but I don't feel in I'm in a good state of mind to be working on it while everything is so up in the air. I'm so frustrated.

I have been pouring over the websites of other programs, looking for likely advisors and comparing program stats.

My case of impostor syndrome has never been worse. It sounds strange, but I haven't experienced feeling this way often in my grad classes here, but now that I'm applying to "real" programs, I'm super conscious of the ways my record doesn't measure up to a stellar performance.

Things I need to do in October...
Take the GRE (again.)
Contact possible advisers and suck up.
Make serious progress on my thesis.
Get some actual work done at my job.

None of these things feel possible if we don't move soon. I know there is nothing really stopping me from doing these things...I mean life goes on, even when your relatives are crazy. It's just that its difficult for me to concentrate on intellectual work when my living situation feels icky and unsafe. Writing, to me, feels like an art. I don't think people make good art when they are in distress, although sometimes artists make good art about their distress. Currently my thesis work is set up on my home computer, but I'm considering taking the file back to the slow computer in my adviser's research office. It would be slow and frustrating, but I would feel less anxious.

The point is that my "generalized anxiety" symptoms, which I had mostly under control are back with a vengeance. I have trouble sleeping, my stomach hurts, I'm restless and always in search of activity, but not able to produce anything useful. Through therapy I have learned that I have to give myself a break when this happens, do things to relax and decompress. The problem is that when I feel so uncomfortable in my living situation its difficult to decompress. My uncle hasn't been around in a while, so the problem is mostly in my head. I'm anticipating the next bit of drama and can't relax because I know it could happen at any moment.

I'm driving Beorn crazy because he doesn't see what the big deal is. Intellectually I know things could be a lot worse, but emotionally I'm a wreck. Frankly, I don't know how grad students who are short of money live on ramen for weeks, that would drive my bonkers. The point is I know my problems aren't that big in the scheme of things, but they are big for me, for my life and I want them fixed.

Now! Now ! Now! (stomps feet)

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Puppy Update

Thanks again for all the great advice. Beorn and I have agreed that we will probably have to move since my uncle is scary. We can't risk the puppies "disappearing" since it would provoke him. None of his brothers (including my father) are willing (or able) to stand up to him. My father, as executor is responsible for her wellbeing, so he will have to figure out another way to make sure she is taken care of. It's going to be a big financial strain on Beorn and I, but my mental health is important. I haven't been sleeping well since the puppy drama came to a head. Last night my father and uncle got into it over the phone. Then my uncle called back and I (stupidly) answered the phone. He proceeded to tell me that Beorn and I were selfish "takers" and "welfare cases." Then he showed up out here at Grandma's house again, so when Beorn informed me of this I told him to stay in the attic. I don't know my uncle's opinions on gun control, but I'm not risking it. If I could just get my damn thesis written...

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Why I can't seem to get back into blogging

So this morning I was trying to work from home, to do some analysis for my thesis. I woke up super groggy and couldn't seem to snap out of it. I suspect this has to do with air quality. Between the fires, the smog, and the agriculture outdoor air quality around here isn't too great. Additionally I'm living in an attic with carpeting that is about as old as I am and a bathroom full of mold damage. I have always had trouble with moldy rooms, although it doesn't seem to be too bad right now, maybe because it's so dry here, so the mold isn't actively growing.

I got some coffee and breakfast, started some laundry, and then proceeded to procrastinate for a while. I was excited to discover that the new calendar for Thunderbird will sync with Google calendar, so I set that up. Then I searched around for a way to sync my Palm with Google calendar as well. I decided to go downstairs to get my palm, so I could try to get it to work.

What did I discover when I got downstairs? My uncle, talking excitedly about taking my grandmother to get some puppies. Specifically, he found some Jack Russell Terrier puppies, which is what my grandmother said she wanted after the funeral. The thing is everyone has warned us that Jack Russells are very hyperactive and will turn into monsters if not properly entertained and trained. We told my uncle this, but he doesn't seem to care.

My grandmother talked about getting puppies in the days right after my grandfather died, but she hasn't mentioned it since. She can't take care of herself, so there is no way that she can take care of puppies. My uncle doesn't think to ask us if we want to take care of puppies. Also, we don't really know what is going to happen in the near future, if the dementia gets worse she may end up in assisted living. What will happen to the dogs then?

I don't think a normal person would get someone else's child a puppy without talking to the parents first. Well in this situation I think he should be talking to Grandma's caregivers before announcing that he is getting her a pet. It won't do any good to talk to him about it though, he has the emotional maturity of a small child, so it will just result in a tantrum, which is rather scary when it's coming from a six foot tall, fifty year old man.

So now I'm simultaneously angry and anxious. There is no way I'm going to be able to concentrate on work this morning.

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More Family Drama

So my father has proposed that Beorn and I move in to my grandparent's house for a while to help care for my grandmother. This will most likely be the source of much drama. My grandparents already have a caregiver living with them during the week, but my dad and my uncles are supposed to be caring for them on the weekends. This doesn't work very well because my grandmother forgets to take her medications, which she needs to do four times a day. Also, she's diabetic, so she needs have someone monitor her blood sugar and make sure she eats. She's having mild dementia so she need someone there all the time. My grandfather must have been helping to keep track of her, but now he is in the hospital.

I'm worried about him because he survived the surgery, but doesn't seem to be getting better. His breathing is very labored and his blood pressure is very low. He isn't strong enough to even move around in bed much. I had to help him to call the nurse because he couldn't find the button in the tangle of tubes and monitors. Hopefully he will be going to a rehab facility soon. If he doesn't get better there is a possibility that he would come home for the family to care for as long as he lasts.

For me, the sad situation for my grandparents isn't the biggest issue. I feel strangely able to deal with my sadness and their sadness. It's my father and uncles' inability to deal with their emotions. Any negative emotions on their parts are channeled into anger and yelling. I have trouble dealing with it, which is why I have tried to avoid major entanglements with the extended family until now.

The smart thing to do would be not to get involved, but since Beorn and I are home all the time anyway, if we lived there we could be a big help. Also my grandmother doesn't eat unless she likes what she is given and Beorn and I are both good cooks. I can't help but think of all the times when I was little that my grandmother took care of me, especially when I was sick.

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I have a big problem

What do you do when you have a very basic disagreement with your PI about the research project that she is paying you to work on?

Normally I would just do the project in whatever way she was requesting and then get a new job ASAP. Unfortunately, what she wants me to do is analyze the data and come to conclusions, but I don't think we have enough data to come to any conclusions. I'm suppose to be writing my thesis from this data, but I can't write because I don't think there is anything conclusive in this data. The more I look at the information we have the more I have questions instead of answers.

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