Who doesn’t love roses: things that are wrong

Showing posts with label things that are wrong. Show all posts

Showing posts with label things that are wrong. Show all posts

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Gender, Gender, Everywhere

Does anyone else out there ever get tired of talking about gender? I'm experiencing feminist fatigue, it's sort of like chronic fatigue, only caused by having to explain basic concepts of how to treat women like people to someone over and over again.

Right now I have an especially bad case because our roommate, lets call him Viking Boy, is strangely obsessed with gender, as if women were some sort of strange aliens. He will regularly say things like "This is man food!" or "I don't want any of that girlie salad!" with little or no irony. So I feel the need to try to explain to him that everyday activities like eating or (last night) pumpkin carving are not particularly gendered.

I attended a pumpkin carving party last night and carved a very scary bat into my pumpkin.

Then again, I feel obligated to point out to other men that gender might be affecting how people interact with them. For example, the professor and two other TAs I'm working with this quarter are all men. I get 6-12 people showing up for my office hour each week and they get 1-2. Now there might be other factors involved like the fact that I chose a time the middle of a Thursday afternoon or that I have emphasized repeatedly to my students that they should ask for help. But considering that I get some of their students too and that another grad student (also a woman) has been helping another female student from the class with her homework, I think there is a good chance that gender might be influencing who students ask for help.

So now I'm wondering if there might be a link between men who can't seem to notice when the dishes need doing and men who can't seem to notice how gender influences their lives?

Would it help if they read Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Welfare for Grad Students?

Here's my basic question - Under what conditions would you (as a grad student) consider applying for welfare programs like low income housing or foodstamps?

Here's my situation. One of the main reasons that I decided to switch programs and go to Crunchy U. is that they offer the option to buy health insurance for your spouse and dependents. Ever since last summer when we were living in an attic filled with black mold Beorn has been developing unexplained health problems. He is always exhausted and his blood test show that he is anemic. He also has constant joint pain and a high "rheumatoid factor." We are having more tests done. Needless to say, having continuing health coverage for him is essential.

He feels fairly bad on a day to day basis and so may have trouble working full time unless we figure out what is wrong. In the mean-time, we are living on my stipend and student loans. Last night we discussed applying for disability for him and investigating the possibility of food stamps. I'm having some difficulty with this because if I dropped out of school with my master's degree I would likely be able to find a job that pays more than my TA stipend, so it seems somehow wrong to apply for assistance. On the other hand, I have no way of knowing what kind of work I might find or whether my new job would offer health insurance for Beorn. Most likely it would be difficult for me to support us on one salary and pay off my monumental student loans.

If I stay in school I know I have a job for the next three years at least and health insurance. Given the unstable state of the economy at the moment taking risks doesn't seem wise. Mainly, I want to stay in academia. I love my new department and love the privilege of teaching and researching topics that interest me. If I was to quit school I know I wouldn't find a job I love that would pay me what I need to be paid, at least not right away.

I know many people would never consider applying for welfare while in school, but apparently there is a long tradition of graduate students on welfare, judging by this thread on College Confidential. But here are a couple of vignettes from my week to fuel your thinking about why someone might consider it.

While riding the bus home this week I overheard a conversation between a couple of undergrads. They were discussing the stock market crash. One young guy was telling the other how bad it had gotten for his family. His dad had told him that he might have to get a part time job because his stocks had been so devalued. I sat there shocked that his dad wouldn't require him to a least work a few hours a week for spending money.

Later in the week I ran into one another woman in my cohort - a woman of "non-traditional student" age who had returned to school to earn a masters degree. She told me a little about her background -- how she started living on her own a week after her highschool graduation. She had dropped out of school because her parents hadn't been willing or able to help her pay for college. This attitude is common in working class families and yet there is no way for students under the age of 25 to prove that they aren't getting help from their families. So she dropped out of college and went to beauty school. She joked that she should have just got married or "knocked-up" because then at least she wouldn't be counted as her parents' dependent. After a number of years supporting herself doing manicure and pedicures she decided that she was really tired of massaging strangers' feet. Since she was now 26 she could qualify for financial aid as an independent. She went back to school, got her B.A. and a job she really enjoyed. Now she's supporting herself working as a research assistant in a lab while she gets her M.A.

I also know a number of international students who are in a financial pickle because their spouses don't have work visas. Back in 1998 in the Chronicle, David North from the Department of the Interior urged universities and graduate students to admit that grad students are the working poor.

It is interesting to compare two populations being supported by Uncle Sam: Buck privates in the Army and graduate students working as research assistants on federal grants. While the compensation packages for both groups are complex, unmarried first-year privates receive an average of $17,000 a year, and married ones about $1,000 more.
In comparison, the median stipend for the 41 unmarried graduate students whom I interviewed (in 1996-1997) was $14,000. Universities do not grant larger stipends for students with families; in fact, the median stipend for the 46 married students I interviewed was actually smaller -- only about $12,000.
Most graduate students have to live on their stipends; a few have help from their families or from a working spouse. Many, particularly U.S. citizens, go into debt.

He goes on to advocate that universities should counsel graduate students to use public assistance that they qualify for:

As a policy matter, I believe that universities should pay their graduate assistants at least as much as privates in the military earn -- a step that federal agencies could encourage by slight increases in their formulas for calculating research grants.
Failing that, graduate schools should accept the fact that their Ph.D. candidates are members of the working poor and help those students figure out how to use federal assistance programs. Perhaps graduate students in social work could be hired part-time to help the Ph.D. candidates apply for those programs. Why should the working poor among our graduate students continue to lose out on benefits that they are legally eligible to receive?

The issue of graduate students taking public aid has also been extensively debated on MetaFilter. More recently, an article on the US News site reports that the number of college students receiving food stamps in Florida is up 44% when compared to last year. Considering the current state of the economy, I wouldn't be surprised to see this trend continue. Given the number of low income and working class students that drop out of college should we really begrudge these students some extra help?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I'm Alive!

In case anyone was wondering, I am still alive. I haven't felt much like posting since I spent most of the last six months doing web design for the office I work for on campus. This summer was my break from academia and with it a break from my reflections on the academic life. I have been considering the future of this blog, as I'm now a wordpress expert and not sure I want to stay with blogger. Any thoughts my webby friends? I think my blog could have a much nicer look and be more usable if I moved it to wordpress. Actually, I don't think I would move it so much as start a new blog there and link to it from here. Make sense?

In other news- We are all settled in our new home in Crunchy Town. At least all of our stuff is moved and the piles of boxes have been whittled down a little. I'm going stir crazy here with Beorn and our new roommate, Beorn's buddy and best man, who I will call the Viking Boy. Neither Beorn nor the Viking Boy have jobs here yet, so they just hang around the house watching sci-fi. Orientation for Crunchy U. doesn't start until next week and our bank account is down to its last $40, so I'm pretty much stuck in the house as well. Viking Boy will be stay with us for a few months at least, maybe longer if he can find work. Luckily we have gone from paying $790 for a one bedroom apartment, to $775 for a three bedroom townhouse. Too bad my TA salary will also be smaller. The point is, all geek boys all the time is driving me a little insane.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A break from Academia

Since I graduated (yay!) I have been filling my life up with getting ready for our move in the fall and avoiding any academically oriented work. Since this blog is often about my struggles with academia, I have been avoiding posting here. But that's just silly! Kitties and I are all settled in to our summer gigs. We are sharing a largish townhouse with two roommates, who are also somewhat crunchy, so it works out well.

Beorn survived his first three weeks of field school, but just barely. Monday of the second week they were directed to hack through some vegetation to get to a survey point, only no one had brought gloves. Guess what happened next? About a third of the class ended up with poison oak! Beorn had it pretty bad and so was miserable and rightly pissed about it. Beorn is a computer geek, not an outdoorsy type and grew up in the Midwest, so wasn't familiar (enough) with poison oak. That stuff can be really tricky, it grows in so many different forms and vines itself into the growth of other shrubs and trees that it can be easy to miss. Frankly it never occured to me that the field school organizers wouldn't have it together enough to help him ID poison oak, that kind of seems like lesson one in these parts.

Luckily he is mostly through it now and we are enjoying his break. Field school starts again on Monday. Until then we are relaxing and heading to the beach for the weekend. I'm trying to get in as many min-vacations as I can this summer. We rarely have enough money saved to take trips and it can be difficult to get Beorn interested in leaving his comfy home and computer. Other than our honeymoon I can't remember the last time that we have taken a vacation. I do take days off here or there, but those are more like mental health days and involve catching up on laundry or lying in bed with a migraine.

Don't worry though, our regular schedule of complaints and bitching about how much academia sucks and how crazy everyone is will return in September. Just kidding, I'm very hopeful about my new program.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Web Misogyny

I'm sure that this-Men who hate women on the Web | Salon- is old news to most of you, but I just wanted to point out that misogyny directed at female writers on the web isn't what we should be focusing on. These incidents are just the tip of the f*cking iceberg when it comes to hatred of and violence against women in this country. True, these guys on the web feel free to say whatever crap comes into their heads because they can hide, but that is what is allowing us to see a bit of what is going on in their f*cked up minds.

On the other side, I am so frustrated that intelligent, successful women like Joan Walsh are still questioning whether or not they should respond or get upset when this kind of crap happens. These guys aren't going to stop just because we ignore them. This country needs to face up to the problem instead of hiding or minimizing it.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Gender Confusion

This piece, "Two Families Grapple with Sons' Gender Preferences : NPR", on NPR pushed gender issues into the front of my brain again this week. Listening to the radio this afternoon I was struck by the parent's stories. How difficult it must be for them to find that their child, at two or three, cannot accept the gender role assigned to him/her. Knowing that your child might face a lifetime of discrimination and violence, what would you do?

When I was a little, little girl my parents did their best to raise me without gender biases. Despite this, I loved frilly pink dresses, fairies, and princesses. My grandparents and other kids didn't help, but since we didn't watch TV at home I can't really blame the media. It wasn't until junior high that I grew out of my girly-ness.

In college a good friend of mine was a cross-dresser. Antioch was probably one of the few places in the country where a trans-gendered person could be out without (much) fear. Still, I was too embarrassed to really talk to him about it. When he hit on me or my other women friends I just felt confused. I had no issue with friends who were gay or lesbian or bi, but I didn't "get" his identity.

These issues get really confusing. For example, last week at a party some folks were discussing the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and Osento Bathhouse. Apparently the Womyn's music festival only allows "womyn born womyn" to perform meaning that transgendered male to female performers aren't welcome but transgendered female to male performers are allowed. Osento on the other hand permits male to female transgendered patrons, which makes some other female patrons uncomfortable.

All of this still confuses me. How can someone who is two be confused about his/her gender? Could the desire to be a girl arise from some trauma? From the recognition that the way that men are socialized in this culture leaves many men disconnected from their emotions and unable to connect with other humans? Or are some people born with an innate desire to wear frilly pink dresses? Can anyone talk us out of this desire? My parents certainly couldn't.

Update: NPR has more on this today. Now transgendered teens can choose to get hormone treatments that allow them to fit in better as adults. Never having gone through puberty in the opposite gender, as adults they are more like other people of their chosen gender. Somehow this comforts me, and yet I wonder how much of this has to do with the need or desire to hide one's transgendered-ness. Could more acceptance help transgendered people feel comfortable with their in-between-ness?

As a woman who doesn't fit the idealized image of what women should be, I wonder about transgendered male to female people and their desire to fit that mold. My college friend tended to wear make-up, high-heals, and short skirts much more than my hippy women friends. As a young woman I felt a lot of pressure to "fit in," yet in some ways my transgender friend stood out as more feminine than the women she was friends with. I hope we were both "being ourselves" and not bowing to outside pressures or internal anxieties about who we "should" be.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Privilege is difficult to see, especially when you have it.

Check out this post from YoungFemaleScientist: Insidious, hard to quantify, Gender Discrimination. (It's long.)

I don't know why we keep expecting men to get it. Seriously, it's rare for a white man in a position of power, even those who are supposedly enlightened to get their privilege. It does happen, for example, my current boss is an awesome mentor to graduate students of all genders, races, and so on, but it's rare. In some sense I don't blame them, privilege is difficult to see. As a white woman I rarely notice my white privilege, except when a person of color talks about their experiences of discrimination.

It really isn't that mysterious. Imagine older, male mentor and young, somewhat geeky, but still "nubile"(I hate that word) female grad student working long hours together in the lab or slaving over ancient tombs. If this was a movie, what happens next? William Deresiewicz knows.

If you were an older male professor faced with uncomfortably attractive young grad students, what would your reaction be? Make sure the office door stays open. Whatever you do, don't go out to drinks after work. Keep things professional. Would the same be true with your male grad students?

I know, I'm being hetero-normative, but it's not a question of actual impropriety, it's just appearances. The point is the privilege is invisible. You are a male grad student and you "hang out" with your adviser. Your adviser thinks of you as a younger version of himself, people who are different, who think differently make him uncomfortable. Most likely he doesn't realize this. He can't help his feelings, but they affect his attitude towards his students, how much time he spends with them, how enthusiastic he is.

I happens, even when there is no conscious intention to discriminate. Networking opportunities become limited. Older faculty are uncomfortable. Young men and women don't see what's going wrong.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

More on Great White North U.

I talked on the phone the other night with my potential adviser at Great White North. I really like her. I wish it wasn't so intimidating for Beorn and I to move out of the country because I have a feeling that she would be a great adviser. JustMe makes a good point about the risk of going out of the country in terms of funding. GWN has offered me good funding for the entire degree, more years than I want the PhD to take me, but being married complicates things. It might take a while for us to establish residency and until then Beorn couldn't work. He didn't apply to any schools near there, so he would have to reapply and get funding because we certainly couldn't afford international student fees without help. Either way his future there would be very shaky.

At least I'm not facing having to return to my home country for 3+ years without my spouse. A friend of a friend here at BAU has to leave the country once he finishes his PhD. If he was straight he could just marry his long time partner and stay, but instead they face years of separation. This is why gay marriage is an important issue. Marriage is making legal in the eyes of the state your status as a family. It gives important legal rights. Separating voluntarily to pursue career opportunities is difficult enough, imagine having no choice. Being deported.

Maybe I'm feeling a little dramatic tonight because I just listened to This American Life. The latest episode includes a segment on the bug adminstration deporting widows because their spouses died before they could have an interview with immigration. That is the kind of crap that makes me want to leave the country.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The gentle art of letter writing

On the grad school application front, I have now heard back from two universities besides Visitation U. "Great White North U." has made me a very nice offer, which would most likely involve Beorn and I applying for permanent resident status. Their program is excellent, but I'm not sure it's realistic for us to move to such an expensive city and try to emmigrate and all.

On the other hand, one of the top rated programs in the U.S. sent me a rather strange acceptance letter. It went something like this...

Dear Breena,

Thank you for your application to the graduate program of the "Head Studies" Department at "Top State". You are in the top third of the application pool. As a result, we are recommending to the Graduate School that you be admitted to the program. Congratulations! The fact that we let you in means you must have had a good application.

Although admission is good news, we haven't worked out a financial aid package for you. Although we have already made some TA and RA offers, it is unclear how many more admission-with-aid packages will be available. You are among a group of 20 students who didn't quite make the cut. In the next two or three weeks, I hope to contact you to make you the offer that you are undoubtedly waiting for!

We know you may have had good offers from "lesser" programs, but if you have independent funds to support tuition and living expenses, you are welcome to consider coming anyway. There is some chance that over the summer – or in subsequent semesters – we will be able to find an assistantship for you. But as of now, it is a case of wait-and-see. Thank you for your interest in "Top State".
Sincerely

Dr. So-and-so
Chair, Graduate Admissions Committee

Jane Doe
Graduate Assistant

I modified the wording of the letter somewhat to protect the not-so-innocent, but not much. The tone is fairly true to the original. Notice that while the letter is officially signed my Dr. So-and-so, it was sent from the account of his graduate assistant. This letter has to be the worst acceptance letter of all time. It does not make me want to join their program, no matter how highly rated. In fact, I would like to email the chair and gently mention that I found the letter off-putting. Seriously, someone should learn how to write an acceptance letter. I know it isn't a good idea to go telling tenured professors in my discipline how to do their jobs, but really, I could write a much better letter than that.

More realistically, I would like to write them and let them know that I have firm offers from other places and if they would like me to consider their program, they should up their game, but I'm almost certain that email would come out sarcastic. In any case, I think I should contact Dr. So-and-so directly rather than his staff person. To me it seems very rude for him to not take the time to write himself, at least for the first contact. It would only take a few minutes to cut and paste the letters. And twenty students on the waiting list? Frak, how many students did the let in?

Any suggestions?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Crazy Weekends and Cats

Beorn and I stayed with Grandma with weekend so my father could have a weekend away with his wife. This meant we weren't at home much all weekend and the cats were stuck inside. When we got home, exhausted from sleeping on someone else's bed and being woken by strange dogs at 5 AM, we discovered that Big Orange Cat was acting strange. He had been feeling down for a week or so but we had assumed that is was digestive trouble from a hairball and would work itself out. A downward facing tail and complaining when we tried to touch his back end indicated something more serious.

Luckily, we live in a university town with an all night veterinary teaching hospital. We called after his wound started seeping something foul and they said bring him in. Mind you, late night vet care is not cheap, but it was fast and efficient.

It turns out he had been bitten three times on the tail. The bites had become infected, so the vets had to cut off the dead tissue and stitch up what was left. Sunday night they told us he could lose his tail, we would just have to wait and see.

Tonight I brought him back in for a checkup and they said it looked better than expected. I am grateful because a kitty without a tail is basically disabled and he was already running away when they bit him. He is a very large kitty, but not very brave. His mild temperament means he's a good patient though, he takes his pills and tolerates warm compresses very well.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

When did middle class white mothers become the bad guys?

Last year I saw three movies with the same antagonist, the "uptight" upper middle class white mom. Seeing them in temporal proximity brought the theme to the forefront of my mind and for some reason, I started ranting about it to my friend today. The movies are American Beauty, Spanglish, and Radiant City (a "documentary.") Each of these movies focuses around a particular family and in each, the uptight, controlling mom is portrayed as the cause of the stress the family is experiencing. I know blaming the mom is hardly a new theme in American culture, but this is demonization of a specific type of motherhood. I can understand the urge to critique the style of parenthood that involves living in lifeless suburbs and shuttling your children from one activity to another in your over-sized minivan, but can all this dysfunction in American culture really be placed on the shoulders of middle-class soccer moms?

Although I'm not a film scholar, I am very tempted to write seriously on this theme, because I'm convinced that suburbia has negatively affected women and children to a greater extent than men, but moms in particular are often portrayed as the driving force behind the current configuration of suburbia. The writers of these screenplays might want to read some Dolores Hayden, to learn a little more about the relationships between gender, housing, and family life.

My question to you, dear readers, is, "Can you think of any other movies critical of suburbia and motherhood?"

Possibilities:
the wife in The Truman Show
Claire Wellington in The Stepford Wives (2004 version)

Monday, January 07, 2008

Internet.....slowing down....can't write.....

I didn't realize how long it had been since my last post here until I logged in again today. Beorn and I have been in internet purgatory and so doing anything online has been interminably slow. (For a full explaination check out Beorn's Den.) Since our internet was essentially dead, I spent my winter break applying to PhD programs and playing Civ 4. I really wish I had never installed RescueTime, because now I have a pretty good idea about how much time I waste on the computer each week.

The good news is my grad school applications are mostly done. We got an extra futon mattress to layer with our crappy Ikea mattress so now Beorn doesn't walk so funny all the time. This morning we bought Beorn a new bike (on the credit card) which will be worth the expense if he gets some exercise. We bought a cheap used computer for my mom whose old IMac was giving out on her.

The bad news is fellowship applications are due in a week and I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to turn something in. I don't want to wait another year to look for funding, but I don't really have the time to spend on it right now since the university approved my application to work two 50% time jobs this quarter. That's right, I'm insane.

Tonight I started doing internet research related to my dissertation topic and found out some really interesting stuff through newspaper articles and online newsletters. Isn't in great when a topic is all fresh and new to you?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

One Day Until Thanksgiving...

Beorn and I went out to lunch at an Afgani buffet. As we walked back into our little cottage we discussed the fact that we are expecting a call from my father. After all the drama over the summer with my family Beorn and I agreed not to spend the holidays we them. My father never tells me the family plans until a day before the event. We already made plans to have Thanksgiving with another couple and Ian's best friend. So I wasn't surprised to find a message on my cell phone from my father. He called while we were out. He's feeling really bad if he didn't tell me about the Thanksgiving plans, of course he can't remember. He wants us to come to dinner at my grandmother's house. My uncle is cooking. The uncle who threatened to kill my father. The uncle who threated to call the cops on us or to sue us. The uncle who called us "welfare cases." Guess what? I'm not interested in breaking bread with him. My father seems to think it's OK for my uncle to behave that way. My uncle has my phone number, if he wants me to come to dinner he can damn well call me and apologize. I can't believe my father thinks I would be willing to sit down to dinner with my uncle. If I was at all important to my father I think I would rate more than a last minute call attempting to guilt trip me into spending Thanksgiving with them.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Feeling Betrayed

I really, really, really want to write about the politics at Big Ag U and my feelings around of betrayal and frustration around academia in general. I'm not sure I can do this without revealing more about myself and the U. than would be wise. One thing I'm trying to learn as a grad student is how to practice restraint, but I haven't quite got the hang of it yet.

Since starting at Big Ag U I have experienced a number of incidences in which faculty members have said one thing, and done another. (I know, surprise, surprise.) Some of these have been small, like not getting papers returned to the class on time. No big deal, things like this happen, who adheres to strict deadlines these days? Others have been not so small...

Last week a key faculty member in my graduate program announced his retirement effective Jan 1. This person will be leaving several courses untaught because of his sudden departure. When I heard this I assumed that someone must be sick, that there was some unexpected event that precipitated this, but he claims not, that he had received offers for more interesting work elsewhere. This is a full professor who directly stated to his department last year that he had no plans to retire.

In light of earlier betrayals by other faculty members in that department I'm starting to wonder if the majority of faculty at Big Ag. U are so two-faced or if it is something particular to that department. I really try to understand how to deal with politically charged situations, but there is some part of me that just has trouble with people who don't tell the truth. Just be honest.

I'm frustrated because it seems everywhere I turn someone is being dishonest or not following through on their commitments. I just don't understand why people can just say what they mean. So here are somethings I would like to say to folks...

Coworker in a related department: If you aren't going to answer my repeated emails, phone calls, and other requests for a meeting just tell me that. No problem, I can then go back to my supervisors and let them know that your department doesn't want help on that project.

Adviser:
1. Last winter I explained to you very clearly who I was working with and that we were going to try to get some more data from folks in Midsized City using your research protocol. Why did you act surprised when the people that organization called you? You told me that you were fine with my plan. I stated several times and in writing what I was doing.

2. After all that why did you then go back to my research site and begin using it as a site for one of your class projects while excluding me from any involvement? Didn't you know I had been working all year to build a relationship with that organization? Didn't I explain to you that I was trying to develop trust between myself and the organization? Why not include me so that I could continue to work with them after your class had gone?

Big Shot Professor: Why did you claim that I could complete a dual degree with your department and then fail to do anything to support me when, after several years of work, the U. claimed I couldn't?

Literature Professor: Why bother conducting an independent study if you aren't going to actually read or comment on student work? When I wrote you several months later to request comments on my paper because I was considering submitting it to a special issue of a journal why not write and say "Sorry I don't have time right now?" rather than promising to look at it? Stating "I'm sure its great" does not inspire confidence.

Grad Student Coworker: Why do you say you are frustrated and confused by the data coding when we talk privately, but then turn around and claim that everything is great when discussing it with Adviser? I know you are angry at me because my desire to get some research done made it clear that almost nothing had been accomplished in almost a year of "work." I wasn't trying to ruin your gravy-train, I just need to write my thesis and couldn't do that when Adviser thought that all the work had already been done. I can't write up research I know to be based on incomplete data entry and sloppy, unclear coding.

Sorry, I had to rant. I could go on, but those are the big ones. Although I have met some great people in academia and learned some interesting things, I'm starting to believe the the system rewards people for being co-dependent, narcissistic backstabbers and that all others are the exception to the rule. Seriously, I'm trying to have compassion for these people, but at the moment, I'm failing. I don't see the harm in being truthful. You aren't sparing my feelings when you lie to me, you are just lying. I don't mind hearing NO. Really. Just say it and I will move on.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Trying to be thankful

I know that Yoda says "there is no try," but I think trying and imagining a different state of mind comes before attaining that state. Tonight I'm imagining a mental place in which I wouldn't be focused on how messed up my family is and pitying myself for being born into this dysfunctional mess. Instead I would be grateful for all of my supportive friends, my health, my wonderful partner, and having the luxury of pursuing a career that I'm passionate about.

Ever since we moved into my grandmother's house I have been profoundly uncomfortable. I just haven't felt like myself. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I have felt like I don't know who I am anymore. It's a feeling that emerges from deep within my childhood, a feeling of being invisible.

Last night Beorn and I watched Denzel in "Deja Vu." Denzel, in a classic sci-fi plot, travels back in time to change the sequence of events that leads to a disaster. It's eery for him to interact, in the past, with people he knows are dead. My life seems to have taken a similar sort of Twilight Zone feel to it. As if I had woken up one day and my normal life had been replaced by some nightmare.

Another sci-fi example? (Sorry folks who aren't sci-fi fans.) "Frame of Mind," The episode of Star Trek TNG in which Riker starts hallucinating that he is in an asylum. His consciousness keeps switching back and forth between the reality of the ship and the reality of the hospital. While he's in the hospital the doctors and attendants insist on telling him that there is no ship, that he isn't who he thinks he is. My family is like that. They can look at me and completely miss who I am. It's like they are talking to someone else. I can try to talk to them, but they only hear what they want to hear.

If I spend enough time around them I start to think that I am the person that they say I am, that the world is the way they say it is.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Puppy Update

Thanks again for all the great advice. Beorn and I have agreed that we will probably have to move since my uncle is scary. We can't risk the puppies "disappearing" since it would provoke him. None of his brothers (including my father) are willing (or able) to stand up to him. My father, as executor is responsible for her wellbeing, so he will have to figure out another way to make sure she is taken care of. It's going to be a big financial strain on Beorn and I, but my mental health is important. I haven't been sleeping well since the puppy drama came to a head. Last night my father and uncle got into it over the phone. Then my uncle called back and I (stupidly) answered the phone. He proceeded to tell me that Beorn and I were selfish "takers" and "welfare cases." Then he showed up out here at Grandma's house again, so when Beorn informed me of this I told him to stay in the attic. I don't know my uncle's opinions on gun control, but I'm not risking it. If I could just get my damn thesis written...

Monday, September 03, 2007

Puppy Dilemma

Today the puppies arrived along with my uncle, his wife and daughter, and my other uncle. When we explained that no one had asked us if we were willing to care for puppies, my uncle started yelling and threatening to call the police. I told him it was fine with me if he wanted to call the cops, but we weren't going to be taking care of puppies. My second uncle stepped in and tried to say it wouldn't be so bad to care for them and that it's grandma's house, she has a right to get them if she wants. At that point Beorn and I decided to get out of the house and went to dinner.

The problem is, Grandma has the mind of a two year old. She regularly pees her pants and doesn't have the sense to change them afterwards. She would eat herself into a diabetic coma if we let her. There is no way that she can take care of those puppies. They just aren't appropriate for her.

Jack Russell Terriers are fox hunting dogs. They are extremely smart and energetic and so go crazy with boredom if they aren't given enough exercise. Here are some quotes off the web:

"Jack Russell Terriers can be difficult to deal with because they are true hunting dogs. They should be kept on leash when in rural/country areas, because if they take off after a ground squirrel or other quarry, they will not hesitate to dig and go underground. Terriers have been known to stay underground with their quarry for days, with no food or water."

"The majority of dogs (in Russell Rescue) are unwanted simply for being Jack Russells by nature and behavior," according to a pamphlet provided by the group. "Owners often find that they were unprepared for the care required for this feisty terrier and did not understand the nature of the breed and their instinctive desire to hunt."

"Like most terriers, the Jack Russell is a digger and a barker; if not given enough opportunity to indulge these inclinations outside, he may dig holes in the furniture and bark at everything that moves."

"Jack Russells who are not trained on a consistent basis, or are not exercised regularly, may occasionally exhibit aggressive or unmanageable behaviour, including excessive barking, escaping from the yard, or digging in unwanted places inside and outside the house. In America, several Jack Russell rescue networks have to work constantly to find temporary and permanent homes for JRTs whose owners could not meet these requirements for keeping JRTs as house pets."

We told my uncle that we weren't going to be caring for the puppies, but they left them here anyway, so the question is now what do we do? I don't think it's fair to the dogs to simply leave them here and not take care of them, but I don't want my uncle to think he can get away with that kind of crap. Options I have thought of so far...

1. Beorn and I find a new place to live and move out.
2. We inform my relatives that they are going to have to find someone else to care for the puppies, particularly on the weekends when we are the only ones here to watch grandma. If they don't take care of it we find the puppies a new home.
3. We let the puppies remain here, but make sure they stay in the dog run and have food and water.
4. We find the puppies a new home, and then when someone asks what happened to them we say, "we have no idea, they must have run away."

If the puppies stay here the best case scenario is that they grow up to be annoying, untrained brats, more likely in my estimation is that they run away or get run over. Just to be clear, there is no fence around the property and cars regularly speed down the road at 70+ mph.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Sorry for the long interlude

My blog suddenly went silent.

Things got away from me and my normal routine has still not fully returned. So here are a few important details from the last month or so.

1. My grandfather died.
2. This caused great turmoil in my family.
3. The same week we were scheduled to move out of our apartment.
4. Then we stayed at my father's house for a while because my grandmother's attic was still filthy and full of trash.
5. We got it mostly cleaned up and most of the junk moved out.
6. Now we are helping to care for my grandmother who has dementia.
7. The attic where we are living still needs a lot of work.
8. I'm frustrated that I can't be in control of the manner and speed of the repairs.
9. I still don't feel much like blogging.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Things I Learned at Antioch College

I attended Antioch College from 1991-96 and despite what a number of people have said about Antioch shooting itself in the foot, I learned many important lessons during my time there. The education I got at Antioch was so different from that I see the undergrads here at Big Ag U that it's difficult to cover everything.

In many ways my Antioch education wasn't that different than any liberal arts education, so the accusation that somehow it's Antioch's unconventional education that resulted in it's financial demise is just not true. Yes, there are some things about Antioch that are unconventional, but it's hardly fair to accuse them of not preparing their students for a competitive job market.

Everyone is mentioning the lack of letter grades and the use of narrative evaluations, as if employers hire based on graduates' GPAs. The truth is that my narrative evaluations meant that I had what amounted to numerous glowing recommendations of my academic work when it came time to apply to graduate school. Just as at other alternative schools, such as Evergreen and UCSC, it was possible to request that letter grades be placed on your transcripts.

No one is mentioning the most important aspect of the Antioch experience, the cooperative education program. This program, which started in 1921 requires all students to participate in several paid internship experiences. I expressly chose Antioch because I would get job and travel experiences. Each year at Antioch I spent 3-6 months working full time at a real job. I spent time interning at a major museum in Chicago. I worked as an environmental lobbyist in West Virginia. I tried my hand in a chemistry lab. I even ran the college's community garden, marketing the produce at the Yellow Springs farmers market. (I'm glad I got the organic farming bug out of my system.)

My first year at Antioch I worked as an assistant in the registrar's office. I must have been frustrated by the dilapidated state of the facilities, because the registrar, who had worked there seemingly forever, explained to me the demise of Antioch's endowment. It had nothing to do with Antioch's leftist leanings. During the 70's one of Antioch's presidents spent the endowment opening up satellite campuses all over the country and hiring his buddies to administer them. At some point in the late 70's most of the satellite campuses closed down, leaving the campus with practically no endowment. Since then the college hasn't had enough money to repair it's dilapidated buildings.

The commencement speaker at my graduation was Harvard professor and popular science essayist Steven J. Gould, himself an Antioch graduate. At the time I found his speech both amusing and slightly insulting in that it's thesis was that Antioch was like a bacteria or amoeba, small, adaptable, and difficult to eradicate. Now I hope that Gould was correct, that Antioch will reappear 2012.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

More Family Drama

So my father has proposed that Beorn and I move in to my grandparent's house for a while to help care for my grandmother. This will most likely be the source of much drama. My grandparents already have a caregiver living with them during the week, but my dad and my uncles are supposed to be caring for them on the weekends. This doesn't work very well because my grandmother forgets to take her medications, which she needs to do four times a day. Also, she's diabetic, so she needs have someone monitor her blood sugar and make sure she eats. She's having mild dementia so she need someone there all the time. My grandfather must have been helping to keep track of her, but now he is in the hospital.

I'm worried about him because he survived the surgery, but doesn't seem to be getting better. His breathing is very labored and his blood pressure is very low. He isn't strong enough to even move around in bed much. I had to help him to call the nurse because he couldn't find the button in the tangle of tubes and monitors. Hopefully he will be going to a rehab facility soon. If he doesn't get better there is a possibility that he would come home for the family to care for as long as he lasts.

For me, the sad situation for my grandparents isn't the biggest issue. I feel strangely able to deal with my sadness and their sadness. It's my father and uncles' inability to deal with their emotions. Any negative emotions on their parts are channeled into anger and yelling. I have trouble dealing with it, which is why I have tried to avoid major entanglements with the extended family until now.

The smart thing to do would be not to get involved, but since Beorn and I are home all the time anyway, if we lived there we could be a big help. Also my grandmother doesn't eat unless she likes what she is given and Beorn and I are both good cooks. I can't help but think of all the times when I was little that my grandmother took care of me, especially when I was sick.

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