Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Arg, the drama continues...

So the place we are suppose to move into isn't ready. The folks who run this place are very informal, so they just said "plan on this weekend." Well the guy who is vacating the place hasn't moved out. I seriously doubt he will be able to move and they will be able to clean by this weekend. Classes start tomorrow at the Big Ag. U.

In other news I desperately need my thesis to be completed so that I can apply to PhD programs in far away places, but I don't feel in I'm in a good state of mind to be working on it while everything is so up in the air. I'm so frustrated.

I have been pouring over the websites of other programs, looking for likely advisors and comparing program stats.

My case of impostor syndrome has never been worse. It sounds strange, but I haven't experienced feeling this way often in my grad classes here, but now that I'm applying to "real" programs, I'm super conscious of the ways my record doesn't measure up to a stellar performance.

Things I need to do in October...
Take the GRE (again.)
Contact possible advisers and suck up.
Make serious progress on my thesis.
Get some actual work done at my job.

None of these things feel possible if we don't move soon. I know there is nothing really stopping me from doing these things...I mean life goes on, even when your relatives are crazy. It's just that its difficult for me to concentrate on intellectual work when my living situation feels icky and unsafe. Writing, to me, feels like an art. I don't think people make good art when they are in distress, although sometimes artists make good art about their distress. Currently my thesis work is set up on my home computer, but I'm considering taking the file back to the slow computer in my adviser's research office. It would be slow and frustrating, but I would feel less anxious.

The point is that my "generalized anxiety" symptoms, which I had mostly under control are back with a vengeance. I have trouble sleeping, my stomach hurts, I'm restless and always in search of activity, but not able to produce anything useful. Through therapy I have learned that I have to give myself a break when this happens, do things to relax and decompress. The problem is that when I feel so uncomfortable in my living situation its difficult to decompress. My uncle hasn't been around in a while, so the problem is mostly in my head. I'm anticipating the next bit of drama and can't relax because I know it could happen at any moment.

I'm driving Beorn crazy because he doesn't see what the big deal is. Intellectually I know things could be a lot worse, but emotionally I'm a wreck. Frankly, I don't know how grad students who are short of money live on ramen for weeks, that would drive my bonkers. The point is I know my problems aren't that big in the scheme of things, but they are big for me, for my life and I want them fixed.

Now! Now ! Now! (stomps feet)


Anonymous said...

i'm sorry things are so tough right now. i hope that you get to move *real* soon and that things improve from there...

Chaser said...

That's a lot going on! I hope things line up well for you this weekend.

Dharma said...

The part about about in "search of activity but not able to produce anything useful" - I *so* recognize. Yes I agree to the "Now! Now! Now!" part too. All the frigging time.